| This is a word-for-word copy of a letter I recently set to Tim Hortons Headquarters in Oakville, Ontario. For the uneducated, Tim Hortons is a restaurant chain in Canada that sells donuts, coffee, lunches, and more. There are probably enough of these across the country so that every Canadian could be sitting in a Tim Hortons somewhere, and they would still not be full (the restaurants, not the people). Anyhow, the letter... |
| Dear Mr. Tim Horton, |
| I recently celebrated another birthday (my seventeenth; I am old, but not as old as you). There was cake, there were gifts, there were no balloons, but was there ever a good time. |
| There was, however, something missing. And I am not talking about the hour that I lost on my Special Day because of Daylight Savings Time (do you understand the concept of this? I do not), but rather a void created due to the lack of: Tim Hortons Chili. In general, I do not like chili. This is my fault, not yours. Your chili probably ranks up with the Finest Chilis in the World, but I cannot truly appreciate this for the accomplishment it is -- I apologize. |
| However, last year, while watching NFL football and rooting for the lowly Buffalo Bills, I noticed a commercial which caught my fancy. This was quite unusual, since I like television advertisements about as much as I like chili, that being not very much. But this commercial, promoting your CHILI IN A BREAD BOWL, turned out to be more interesting than the actual game, which the Bills were no doubt losing by 200 goals. |
| Tired of football stadium chili, which I was unaware even existed, the commercial's three featured protagonists rebel against the social norm, and leave DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME, venturing to a nearby Tim Hortons to purchase three Chilis in Bread Bowls. "This must be some good chili!" I said, since I am in the habit of speaking to myself out loud. But the best was yet to come, as I'm sure you know, having created this particular advertisement. |
| Upon returning to the football game, one of these three modern-day heroes rose to his feet, tore open his jacket, and revealed a BRAND-NEW "And Then I Ate the Bowl!" t-shirt, all the while performing pelvic thrusts about as gracefully as a middle-aged white guy can, and yelling the shirt's mantra -- And Then I Ate The Bowl. |
| I would like to commend you, Tim Horton. This catchphrase will probably go down in history as one of the best marketing schemes ever employed in Canada, if not the entire world. As soon as I was able to tear my eyes from the television screen, namely, when this commercial concluded, I rushed down to the local Tim Hortons (there is a ratio of approximately two Tim Hortons to every one house in my area, so this did not take long) and ordered "one Chili in a Bread Bowl, please". |
| Things got a little messy when I ate the bread bowl prior to eating the chili, which I never did finish (sorry!). I received a few odd looks from your other customers, but I am sure they meant well. I was a little disappointed when I nonchalantly asked for my "And Then I ate the Bowl!" t-shirt, and was flat-out denied. This meant that I was a victim of misleading advertising, but I pushed that out of mind until now. The point was: I was qualified to say "And then I ate the bowl!" At the moment, that was all that mattered. |
| I began inserting "And then I ate the bowl!" at random to the end of virtually every sentence that came out of my mouth. For example: |
| Friend: "How did you do on that math test?" |
| Me: "I think I did pretty well....and then I ate the bowl!" |
| I don't have too many friends anymore. |
| Tim Horton, what I am trying to say is that I am committed to letting the world know about Chili in a Bread Bowl. Everyone should be able to enjoy the wonderful feeling of eating some bread, spilling some chili, and, most importantly, telling people that then they ate the bowl. |
| In return for my service as a loyal peon of the Chili in a Bread Bowl empire, I have one simple request: May I please have an official Tim Hortons And Then I Ate the Bowl! t-shirt? (Can you believe there is used gum for sale on eBay, but no Tim Hortons shirts?). I am sure you receive many letters from people eager to acquire these unquestionably chic and stylish articles of clothing, so I will not be totally crushed if I do not receive a shirt (Large, please, Extra Large is too big) in return. Tears would be shed, but I think I would be able to make it through okay in the end. It is you, with thoughts of crushing children's hopes and spirits constantly haunting your conscience, about which I would be worried. |
| Thanks, Mr. Horton. You are the best! Besides your bread buns, I also enjoy your donuts. Apple fritters are my favourite....and then I ate the bowl! |
| Eagerly awaiting your reply, |
| Luke Adams |
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