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In the spirit of Major League Baseball, I have decided to write this column while on performance-enhancing drugs.

There is something just downright wrong about a hockey team from North Carolina beating both the Montreal Canadians and Toronto Maple Leafs in back-to-back playoff series...

...And in the meantime, North Carolina is in the process of losing its only professional basketball team. What exactly is going on here?

Even Bibby could not save the Kings
I am not sure which sport's playoffs has been worse, as far as the "good guys" losing goes. The NBA certainly made its case in game seven of the Western Conference Finals. I think I am going to have nightmares about Peja Stojakovic and Doug Christie shooting airballs.

As close as Mike Bibby came to winning that series by himself for the Kings, Lakers fans must be wondering how on earth the Grizzlies could have traded this guy for Jason Williams.

Do North Americans ignore professional soccer because we're no good at it, or are we no good at it because we ignore it?

It always amuses me when I lift up those tabs under pop bottle caps and it says "Please play again" or "Thanks for trying," as if I had some physically active role in participating in their contest.

Here is something to think about. In Ontario, the new strategy of labelling license plates is four letters followed by three numbers (ie. AJKW 356). Now, I have always wondered what happens when the four-letter combination of letters turns out to be something that you wouldn't want on a license plate. I mean, are there actually people that will get stuck with plates like ABUM 666 or DUMB 007? Not to mention other possible four-letter words. Of course, on the flip side, I would like to claim HERO 001 right now.

Ah, the sixties.
Does disliking every piece of written poetry not by Bill Watterson make me an uncultured boor?

After extensively researching Bob Dylan, circa mid-1960's, it is pretty depressing to look at a current photograph of him. Things Have Changed indeed.

Nonetheless, "Tangled Up in Blue" definitely makes my Top Ten Songs Ever list.

I don't think that Fear Factor will last much longer with its constant Fear of heights/Fear of disgusting insects/Fear of being underwater strategy in every single episode. Viewers want variety. Just ask Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

I can't get enough of tabloid papers. "Baby Born With Antlers" was an actual headline last week. Can you imagine social gatherings between the writers and editors of these things? The stories you would hear.

Have you ever noticed how you can listen to a song for a little while, not hear it for months, then hear it again and remember every single lyric? Memory is a funny thing.

The MuchMusic Video Awards and MTV Movie Awards are coming up soon. The only good thing about both shows? The White Stripes are nominated in the former, and performing in the latter.

"No, not Jack Black. Jack WHITE."
With any luck, the White Stripes performance will kick off the MTV Movie Awards. I'd hate to have to sit through an hour or two of them.

Still on the White Stripes, Jack White is now dating Winona Ryder. I have this nagging fear that she will end up stealing all of the songs they have written for their next album. This is a legitimate worry, isn't it?

I can't get over the list of MMVA nominees. Nickelback is nominated twice for Best Video -- I think that really says it all.

It will be interesting to see if M. Night Shyamalan's new film, "Signs," turns out more like "The Sixth Sense" (great) or "Unbreakable" (not-so-great). The trailers don't look like anything special, not to mention that it stars Mel Gibson, but I am still holding out hope.

Which new reality show will be worse? "Beer Games" or "Bachelorettes in Alaska"? This is getting ridiculous.

On the subject of television, a new sit-com is set to debut, with any luck, in the winter or spring. The concept? It is being based on the "Letters From a Nut" series of books by Ted L. Nancy. As is shown by my letters to Tim Hortons and ijobo.com, I am a big fan of these books, but how well will they translate to the small screen?

The other factor working against the new comedy is, of course, the Curse of Seinfeld. "The Michael Richards Show," "Bob Patterson," and "Watching Ellie" have not exactly been hits. Now, the former Seinfeld stars are looking to go four-for-four. Yes, Jerry is involved in Letters From a Nut (and could, in fact, be the enigmatic Ted L. Nancy).

Remember this one?
I will leave you this time with an article that I find to be very sad. I call it Proof That Weezer Will Never Return to their Mid-90's Form"; Rolling Stone thinks of it differently (their subtitle: How the Weezer frontman cracked the code of the perfect song). Given the fact that Rivers Cuomo has written 377 songs in the last three-and-a-half years, and has gotten the songwriting process down to as mathematical a method as he can, I think it is safe to say that he has sold his soul to MTV.


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