| If something cannot be bought on eBay, it is probably not worth having. | |
| If I learn one thing from Chemistry class this year, it will be: Manganese jokes are funny. | |
| Words cannot describe how great it was to see The Hives ("Main Offender") and The White Stripes ("Fell in Love With a Girl", TWICE!) on MuchMusic this past weekend. Straight out of the Bizzaro World. | |
| But then MuchMusic had to go and show "The WB Presents: TEEN PEOPLE's What's Next". If these people are going to be the next big thing in the entertainment world, I may have to leave my television turned off -- until 2010. | |
| I mean, is there an actor worse than Ashton Kutcher (Dude, Where's My Car?, That 70's Show)? Name one. | |
| It is a bit depressing that Sarah Hughes is actually a month younger than I am. I wasn't planning on picking up my Olympic gold medal at least 2006. | |
| If I didn't know better, I could easily mistake Canada's gold medal-winning speed skating relay team for a boy band. | |
| Was I the only one watching the US/Canada gold medal game on Sunday and (WARNING! BILL SIMMONS RIP-OFF COMING!) imagining what Vince McMahon would do with it? Picture this: The game is tied at two with one minute left. At a stoppage in play, the Canadian bench begins to get into a heated argument with the officials. Meanwhile, American hero Brett Hull casually skates around in his own end and, OH NO! Hull has just clubbed goalie Mike Richter with his stick! The refs are distracted and don't notice the carnage taking place around them! Now they are coming back to drop the puck, and the American team is still too stunned to move. Joe Sakic passes the puck to Hull and he puts it into his own net for a 3-2 Canada win! The crowd's shock turns to anger as Hull dramatically pulls off his red, white, and blue USA jersey to reveal....a Canadian jersey underneath! Boos cascade down as the Canadian players celebrate with Hull. Wait, is that Patrick Roy's music....?! | |
| For the low price of one dollar, you too can be part-owner of the Montreal Expos. I am serious. | |
| Is there anything more fitting than the headline, "John Rocker to play homicidal maniac in upcoming movie"? His co-stars in 'The Greenskeeper' include Atlanta radio personality Steve Rickman and "Playboy" model Christi Taylor. If that doesn't say "box office hit", then I don't know what does. | |
| But the award for funniest recent baseball story goes to the group of Boston Red Sox fans who are trying to find Babe Ruth's piano at the bottom of a Boston pond, to break the Curse of the Bambino. Crazy? Yes. That is what makes this line of the article all the more hilarious: "The search is sponsored by the Restoration Project, a rehabilitation program for adults with mental illness and head injuries." | |
Okay, I just mentioned that trade because I wanted to work this picture into this column somehow. It was actually used by ESPN.com in a serious story about the trade. High comedy. |
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| I think that I am the only person in the world that doesn't own a cell phone, and has no desire to buy one. | |
| "Watching Ellie", starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, debuted tonight. Have we learned nothing from "The Michael Richards Show" and "Bob Patterson"? I will guess five episodes in the inevitable 'How Long Will it Last?' pool. | |
| "When you weigh 1200 pounds, you can pretty much go anywhere you want to go." Beware runaway cows. | |
| Also, beware Russell Crowe. | |
| One of the funniest things in the music world is when bad artists insult other bad artists. Take, for example, Puddle of Mudd. "I like listening to artists who write their own music," says singer Wesley Scantlin, who calls artists who don't write their own songs "puppets". When asked about Britney Spears, Scantlin said, "She's a beautiful woman...a beautiful toy for the artists that are writing for her." Scantlin is clearly an authority on the subject because his band's first single featured lyrics like "I love the way you look at me / I love the way you smack my ass." I guess it is not the quality of the lyrics that counts, as long as you are writing them yourself. | |
| The Grammy Awards are tomorrow and I couldn't care less. |
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